It’s been one week. One Whole week since Dr. Skinny Indian Lady diagnosed me with the C word. The Canc. The thing that we all now know as Ricardo. It seems like it’s been a lifetime, it seems like Ricardo and I have been on vacations together. Fought about what to make for dinner. Which pair of shorts would look better with this Hawaiian shirt Ricardo? DO NOT WEAR THOSE SANDALS IN PUBLIC RICARDO. That’s how long it feels, like Ricardo and I are in a full blown dysfunctional relationship. BUT it’s only been a week, which goes to show you how long this road to remission is really gonna be. Anyway onto one subject I must address before I enter into the realm of cancer related topics.
Barry Manilow is gay? This has just shattered all of my dreams of a heterosexual relationship with him. I thought MANDY was a very masculine hetero song. And the COPACABANA?! This is more shocking than being told I have cancer. SHOCKING.
So along with Thursdays being thirsty, it called for an appointment for a CT scan. CT scan. Otherwise known as THE DONUT. I walked in, I greeted Nancy (she’s the front desk lady), she politely told me she’d been thinking about me. I didn’t notice a wedding ring, so I was almost positive she was hitting on me (she wasn’t, but don’t i think everyone is?) I gave her the wink, works every time. She proceeded to give me this:
I said “Naaancy, come on now, what are we at Applebees?” I asked her if they could class this up a bit. I mean come on, as least put some glitter on it or something. I swear I got this same vibrating pager at Chili’s last time I was there. No I don’t go to Chili’s often so don’t go putting on your judging pants. If you’re gonna judge me, do it because I frigging love Olive Garden. The OG and their rolley chairs and their endless breadsticks. Judge away my friends cause you’re missing out on a TREAT. So after our restaurant grade pager goes off, my caregiver and I (Jenny Pagel) get shuffled into a room to watch a truly entertaining video about….. I’m actually not sure what it was about because I nodded off, but if you ask Pagel she can tell you all about it.
While this enjoyable video was playing I spied these mask thingys, and the first thing I realized was, THATS WHAT THAT DOCTOR WORE IN GREYS ANATOMY WHEN SHE HAD A TUMOR ON HER BRAIN. I then proceeded to wig out and when the nurse came in I told her very politely DO I HAVE TO WEAR THAT MASK? I’M NOT WEARING THAT MASK. NOOO WAY. I don’t have to wear the mask guys. I don’t. because hello nimrod, Ricardo is in my abdomen.
Oh and in case you were wondering what a mini version of Tyrion Lannister is doing in there, he will be modeling all equipment and objects for the run of the Cancer treatment. Isn’t it funny I said a mini Tyrion when he’s really a midget? or shall I say a small person? so technically that’s a mini MINI action figure.
There is where it got real. These four women come into the room. They were definitely a clique, there were popular, they owned the CT Scan world. I was back in high school. If you’ve ever seen the movie HEATHERS starring the incomparable Wynona Ryder, you’d know what I was talking about. I mean, they thought they were the talk of the town, the divas at the ball, the ladies of the lab coats. They laid me in the donut, they prodded me, they pushed me, they talked to me like I had half a brain and then… then in came my IV lady Gwen. My goddess, my knight in shining armor, my maid Marion. She chatted with me about real housewives and I rolled my eyes to the divas in white over there and she rolled her eyes back as if she agreed. SHE KNEW. GWEN WAS MY HOMEGIRL. Here is the donut Gwen rolled me through.
Finally the prodding stopped, and the one lady of the labcoat Bree, BREE i mean come on, walked me back to the waiting room, she attempted to show me how to check in and do the process that I’ll have to do every day for the next eight weeks, but I brushed her off. I was all “I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING BREE”. I think I showed her. The only problem is, she was going to show me what to do, which was also in the movie that i wasn’t paying attention to, so in my standing up to the “heathers”, i will have absolutely no clue what I’m doing next time I go in. I can wing it. I mean, it’s just radiation of my abdomen that is killing of the cancer that is Ricardo right? Whats more important? I think standing up to the Royals of Radiation. They’ll think twice next time they see me in my overly large cancer pants. THEY’LL THINK TWICE!